6 posts tagged “joke of the week”

Joke of the Week

Being a Woman

Why is it so cool to be a woman?

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Systems support men always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.

We got off the Titanic first.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

We never recognize ourselves in aspects of Mr. Bean. Ever.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Joke of the Week

Being a Man

Why is it so cool to be a man?

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

Same work, more pay.

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Joke of the Week

50 Ways to Fail an Exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh gee, better get cracking," and scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a video game. Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. You could threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.

26. At some point during the exam, start crying for mommy.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Days of our Lives' is on!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Jeopardy'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'The Bridge on the River Kwai'.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.

41. Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."

Joke of the Week

60 Ways to Order a Pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

6. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

7. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

8. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

9. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

12. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

13. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

15. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

16. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

17. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

18. Change your accent every three seconds.

19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

20. Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

21. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

22. Rent a pizza.

23. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

24. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

25. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

26. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

27. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

28. Imitate the order taker's voice.

29. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

30. When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

31. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

32. Ask to see a menu.

33. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

36. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

37. Ask what the pizza place's phone number is. Hang up, and call again.

38. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

39. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

40. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

41. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

42. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

43. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

44. Be vague in your order.

45. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

46. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

47. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

48. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

49. Put them on hold.

50. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

51. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

52. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

53. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

54. Order term life insurance.

55. When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

56. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

57. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

58. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

59. Order a steamed pizza.

60. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Joke of the Week

Top 10 Actual Email Addresses
Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
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10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

Joke of the Week

Science Fair Winner
    In 1997, 14-year-old Nathan Zohner, a student at Eagle Rock Junior High School in Idaho Falls, won first prize in a local science fair with a project entitled "How Gullible Are We?"  He presented a report to his fellow students about the dangers of a substance called "dihydrogen monoxide" and then asked for their opinions.  Out of 50 students, 43 thought it should be banned, six were undecided and one correctly recognized that "dihydrogen monoxide" is just another name for H2O -- in other words, water.